Monday, October 01, 2007

A Time to Heal My Heart

Hello friends,

Not long ago, I decided to reach out to a distant cousin, whom I had never met. He was compiling a family genealogy. Since I learned my family history at my mother's knee, I decided to help him. POW!! To be brief, it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

First of all, he really didn't want my help. You could say that I was all about the heart of my family history: real people, who really lived, who experienced pain and sorrow, laughter and tears, just like me. My unknown cousin made it clear that all he wanted were names and dates. Quite frankly, it felt more like a high school quiz. My ancestors are real people to me, who once lived and loved, whose hearts pulsed with anticipation, and who often quaked in fear. They are not simply a list of names and dates.

Perhaps God placed something different in me. I look for miracles in the day to day, and I often find them. After I wrote to this cousin, people began to show up from my painful past. I do not come from a family who forgives; I come from a family who strikes, like vipers. I've never understood that. My decision to forgive, was seen as weakness, and I suffered from that.

I forgive them. But I have learned that in forgiving, I need not return to let them strike again. I must move on. I can forgive them from a distance - a long distance. Every time I initiate contact, it plays havoc with my health. One of my doctor's warned me, "if you keep this up, Jaye, you will have a very short life." So once again, I take a giant leap away. I am giving them their freedom to do whatever they want to do to one another. I have placed them in the hands of God. They are not my project. Let them answer to Him.

God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters. Why seek the poison of a dysfunctional life, when God has given me healing and love? It is time to move ahead, to accept God's healing and celebrate Him. In the Bible, Jesus says:

"Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for {today} is its own trouble." Matthew 6:34.

I believe that is also for the past. Poison is poison, whether it is alcohol, drugs, or gambling. In a Twelve Step program one must agree to never go back to the people, places, or things that make you sick. It is the same with poisonous people. Do I really want to put them before my relationship with God or my family, or my own happiness? No!

So, today, I make a promise, before God, my family, and you. My focus will be on the here and now, where love rules. Today is a new day. Today is the day that I will begin again. With faith in God, and my hand tightly tucked in His, today is the day to heal my heart.

With love,

Jaye Lewis

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