This morning I am waiting to find out the decision a doctor will make about my youngest daughter. She is 33, but to me and my husband, she is still our baby. She has a pituitary tumor, and the decision will be either powerful drugs or surgery. Thankfully, the top hospital for treating these tumors is the one that she is at. My husband is there with her, and, as usual, I await word.
It's very difficult to face the serious illness of one's own child. I feel helpless and a little afraid. I thank God that my faith, which was so little not that long ago, has grown stronger; so that I can truly trust in Him.
So, why do we suffer? I used to ask that, a lot. And being human, I sometimes still do. My only answer is that I'm not in charge. And the strange thing about not being in charge is that I know the One who is in charge. Think about it. What would we do with all the evil people in the world? And would it be the right thing? I struggle with that nearly every day. Thankfully, I'm not in charge, and I don't have to make those decisions.
I wish I could say that life gets easier, as one's faith gets stronger, but that's not really the case. We suffer, because we live in a fallen world, where perfection is an illusion. People who have fame and fortune gladly tell us that they have the answer. They have everything, they say, and they can make us "rich." Just ask them, and, of course, buy their product, their book, or their C.D. But they don't have the answers either. They also face the night watches, often alone. What if they knew, or could accept, that they are never alone? What if they reached out to feel God's heart beating within their own chest? What if they were very quiet, and they listened, would they want to hear that they are not alone?
Jesus said, that the good man speaks from the overflow of a good heart; while the evil man speaks from the overflow of an evil heart. It gives me chills to read His one sentence synopsis of this passage of scripture. "Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks."
I hope that the abundance of my heart is kindness, forgiveness, and faith. Not in myself, but in Him. What will He choose for me today? And will I place my trust fully in Him? Will I honor Him? And will I understand that as I suffer or am discouraged, that I can place my trust in the One Who was discouraged and suffered, first, for me?
Thank You, Father, for loving me anyway. Thank You for the blessings that You give to me, simply because I try and so often fail. And thank You most of all for overlooking my failures. Help me, Lord, to be strong today, and when I'm weak, thank You for being here to carry me through.