Friday, February 13, 2009

Losing It by Jaye Lewis

Hello friends,

I’m losing my sight. I knew that I had vision problems, but I believed, rightly or wrongly, that this – losing my sight – was something that would never happen to me. Why this? Why me? My last blood profile is the envy of the community. I am a freak about taking care of myself. I don’t drink; I don’t smoke; I don’t eat sugar; I have low cholesterol – in other words, I’m a control freak about my health. But this…this impairment of my sight…for this I’m not prepared.

I sobbed in my eye doctor’s office. It was obvious to me, before she even said it. I couldn’t see as I did two years ago. Everything I could see was blurred and indistinct. You see, I’m a poet. I see through my eyes and deep into my heart. The sunrise, for me, is beatific. The sunset sets my soul on fire, as well as the sky. When I am able to view some spectacular night sky event, I am uplifted, so that I almost feel myself drawn into heaven. So, I cried at the thought that this might all end.

What did St. Paul say? “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child; but when I became [an adult], I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now, I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.” 1 Corinthians 13:12

It’s true, I only know dimly. It is like looking into the face of Jesus, after a lifetime of love for Him; trying to be obedient to the will of God; and yet, not seeing Him as He sees me. So, because of Christ, and the sacrifice that He made for me, I can surrender, even this – my sight.

So now, what do I do? Well, I continue to be a control freak about my health. That is one reason why I’m willing to go on a new diabetes program, which includes Byetta®, which I will have to inject twice a day. It is not insulin. It is a new medication, which requires me to learn HOW to do it, and those of you who have gotten to know me well, know that I HATE CHANGE!! By gosh, I’ll do it, but don’t expect me to like it. The weird thing about this is I have no problem with needles. It’s the mental gymnastics that I have a problem with. It’s like a ballet that ends with me sticking myself in the leg. So, everybody has to walk through this with me, this week-end. :o)

What has happened with my diabetes is change. Diabetes is NOT a one size fits all kind of a disease. All kinds of things affect it, your diet, your exercise, other medications, and growing old. Basically, it has come down to this for me: everything changes, and for me, today, it is my diabetes and my sight.

So now, I move on. I thank God that I have a good doctor. I praise Him for my husband whose eyes will always shine, just for me. I do not need sight to know that. I bless Him for the beautiful souls of each of my daughters, and I thank God for His faithfulness to me. God loves me, passionately. He thinks I’m funny. He knows that each sunset makes me love Him more. He knows that I will miss the stars. He knows already, that I will see the Milky Way no more, until I watch it with Him.

I share these things, because I know that someone needs to know that God loves you; that your problems are important to the only One who can bring about joyful change; and He is the only One who can drag us through that change, so that we can accept it.

I love Him, and He knows it. I see His face, in the face and heart of each new friend. I am not afraid, when someone does not believe in Him. Most people do believe. At the same time, I know I see God, through a glass dimly, but in the hereafter, face to face. I look forward to that, even as I fear that final change. Yet I trust in him, because He has brought me through so much. So, He will bring me through that, when the time comes.

I wish you could see Him, in your heart, the way I do. He is filled with affection for us. He became one of us, leading an ordinary life, until He entered His ministry. He died for us, not because we are good, but because He is good. I know that there are those who will dismiss my faith, but that’s okay. My guess is they are nursing past hurts and disappointments left unhealed. There are those who also look to mediums and spiritualists, those blind guides, who know nothing about the hereafter of which I speak. I have no more control over them, than I have over my loss of sight. So, this is what I am going to do.

I’m going to trust God, the One who saved me; the One who forgives me; the One who shows me the ludicrous in myself, so that I can laugh; and the One who has filled my life with so much joy. Did I suffer in my past? Yes I did, but I must not stay there. I can’t and I won’t. I must allow Him to carry me, often kicking and screaming, through the tough times and into a brighter tomorrow.

Thank you, my friends, for putting up with me on this blog. I know that this is not a normal blog. I have no riddles nor snappy dialogue to entertain. Nor do I have facts and figures about whatever passes for entertainment in our society. I have only this to share: my heart, and a shared journey through the time I have left.

I wish for you every happiness your heart can hold. I pray for your families, your homes, and your situation in life. May God bless and keep you. May He light your path. May He place His arms around you when you stumble, and when you fall, may He lift you in His arms and carry you.

Father, thank you for this journey, and for the one that is ahead. Help me, oh Lord, to lose myself in your arms. May I never forget all that you have brought me through. Grant me the grace to face the future, without fear. Bless each soul who reads this with all of the gifts that you have given to me. May You always go before them, and protect them from their enemies; and may they know that they are safe in your care.

With love,
Jaye Lewis

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