Today is a time for me to be more self-disclosing than, perhaps, I'd like to be. You see, I have trust issues. Admittedly, I have found trustworthy people to be few and far between. It is different in writing to you, simply because those who want to be included in my journey, are often facing the same, or similar, things that I am. So, we know each other, probably better than we can even imagine, because I believe that God has brought us together.
In failing to trust others, even with good reason, I sometimes forget to trust God. My suggestions to Him are so brilliant and logical, in my own mind, that I often forget that He is God, and I am merely His child. Children do not always know what is wise or good. Take my diabetes, for instance. That wonderful pancake, smothered in butter and syrup couldn't possibly hurt me. Yum. Yum. How good it would taste and feel as it is going across my teeth and into my stomach. But in two hours, I would be so sorry. My blood sugar would spike, and God only knows how high. I could get very ill, possibly going into a coma. Over time, my kidneys could shut down, and we know all the other awful things that could happen. But I dream, and even lust after pancakes...real pancakes.
As a result, God laid on my heart, four years ago, the direction He would have me go...diet and exercise. My treadmill has seen a lot of miles. My diet has remained basically the same, but there are other medications that I am now on, that make a difference in my quality of life. And for me, quality of life means having all of my limbs, being able to walk, growing old with the one I love, and seeing my children (if God so wills) grow into their golden years.
So, what does this have to do with trust? Well, my diabetes is not going away, even if there is a cure through embryonic stem cell research. I will not become a part of that, because I trust in the God who says, "[I] wove [you] together in [your] mother's womb." What He has allowed in a petri- dish, is not my affair. My trust is in God's Word. He has shown me that I can control my diabetes with diet and exercise, so someone else will have to deal with the ethics of stem cell research. I already have.
It's slow going on the treadmill, since I have developed neuropathy from the diabetes, but studies have shown that 10 minutes, 3 times a day, is as effective as 30 minutes all at once. So that's what I will do, all day long, if I have to.
My internal struggle today is the Presidential primary election. I have prayed and prayed, begged and pleaded, and I'm still scared. I don't know what God wants, and I am having trouble with my trust. I find myself tempted to give God instructions, and I am afraid that His choice for President will make me unhappy. Never has it meant so much to me. So, my only option is to trust in God, especially if things turn out against my wishes.
Trusting in God, is not like trusting in oneself, especially for the very successful person. I'm not one of them. I don't push myself to get ahead, and I don't want to be famous. I don't want riches. I do wish that I could buy my favorite plants, and have enough for food, gasoline, and all the other necessities that living in a rural area requires. So, I guess you could say that all I ask is enough. According to the wisest of people, "Enough is as good as a feast."
We live in a world where riches are everything. Well, what if riches are not what God wants for me? What if He wants me to become free of that need? What if He wants me to be able to leave with my family, throw the keys in the door, and walk away, without regret? I cannot say if this is true, but it warms my heart to realize God's desire for my intimacy with Him.
I have been most intimate with God during serious illness, when I was certain that I would not wake in the morning. I've also been most intimate during a night of prayer, when some sweet soul comes to my mind, and I have no idea why I'm praying for them. I have also been very intimate with God on my treadmill. It has been hard for me, when pain has kept me off of it. So I welcome the new medications, and all the responsibility that goes with them, because they are giving me a quality of life, that was not possible even five years ago.
I guess what I'm saying to myself is "Jaye, look at your life. Who has given it to you? Who has taken away your pain, and Who has given you happiness? What worldly riches can compare to this?
So, when it comes to today's Presidential Primary, I think I can survive, no matter who wins. I've survived the last 62 years of my life. I think I can survive a painful President. Presidents have come and gone, and the electorate in this country have been pretty consistent. As soon as the dust clears, people will see that they are dealing with a human being, who has flaws and imperfections that will be magnified into low approval ratings by his or her second term.
To the very young electorate, impassioned by adoration, you will soon grow up (at least we hope so), and the rosy glasses of idealism with become eclipsed by reality. A president usually consults with advisers who have very different points of view. The time will come quickly when whoever is President will disappoint all of us. I've lived through this before.
I pray for this country, and every person who reads this message. God will take care of His people... of every faith, race, and political persuasion. We have our reasons, and God has His. I will trust in Him.
Father, forgive me for my fears and anxieties. I know that it is You who are in charge. Thank you for giving each of us enough. Help us to understand your ways, and to be obedient in all things.
Tuesday, March 04, 2008