I'm starting to get those "before" birthday greetings again. I've been getting them ever since I began to reach fifty. You know how it goes. Anyone who has your birthdate can reach out and touch you with "a really great deal," such as whole life insurance policies, where you CAN'T BE TURNED DOWN!!! This always includes a lecture on how destitute my family would be, not without me, but without that cushion of cash to warm their hearts.
I love my newest missive, which comes via my Credit Union, which used to NEVER give out our information. But, what the heck, when you breathe your last, you're not going to need that credit line and Social Security Number!
Here's how the latest insurance come-on goes:
"As a valued member of such-and-such credit union, you've come to expect reasonable prices and good service." Yeah, like the time THEY made a mistake and then reported us to a credit agency, so that our information is now tagged (which gives us a guarantee that we will be assured of high interest loans, if we ever need one).
The invitation goes on to say: "Now, just before your next (really old) birthday (when you'll probably croak) you're invited to take advantage of another affordable value (Yeah, like the last time): the MEMBERS Whole Life Plan." They go on to say that I can get up to $10,000 worth of "whole life" insurance...without a physical exam! This means that they know I'm on a lot of medications, which will probably keep me above ground for another twenty years.
What they fail to say, with this "whole life plan," is that I will accrue somewhere around 5 dollars in savings, but for those twenty years, the insurance company can invest my money, along with everyone else's money, so that they can make more money for themselves. We're talking millions, while I am sending them nearly 50 dollars a month. Bye-bye to my house payment! I expect to receive a few more of these implied, and often pointed references to my impending death. Hurry! Hurry! Before you croak!
My favorite contact was from the local cemetery calling to try to sell me a valuable cemetery plot. Of course, she assured me, I wouldn't want to be buried alone, "so buy a family plot, at a substantial savings by the way, giving your family a place to rest, also." Now, I may be tottering on the edge of my grave, but I could swear that only the Vikings threw the whole family onto the funeral pyre!
My favorite story about "family plots" involves a one time friend of mine, whose father died, and it wasn't until he was about to be dropped into the cement lined hole, that the family discovered, there were five people underneath him, and to make matters worse, the coffin was too big for the hole! Imagine that, with everyone looking on, as they hauled in the wrecking crew to chip away at the concrete, until the poor soul's coffin was able to be stuffed into his awaiting tomb. Is it any wonder that everyone in my family has decided to be cremated?
So, when you feel yourself getting older, and you think that your life is over, and you're certain that you'll never have fun again, just think of the rest of us, after sixty, waiting for the wrecking crane, and go ahead...laugh until you cry. I know, I will!
With love and laughter,
Wednesday, March 26, 2008