Thursday, January 10, 2008

A Time to Search Your Heart

Hello friends,

All around my house, I have bits of Scripture that I have printed out on little scraps of paper. These are personal scraps of God's Word that have a deep, personal meaning only for me. They remind me of the condition of the world, and that God knew what we would face long before I became the "apple of His eye." That was David's request of God: "Keep me as the apple of Your eye." The "apple of the eye" is the iris. Yours may be blue, or green or hazel. Mine is a kind of amber brown. So what David was saying, in his beautiful request, was "keep your eye on me, Lord." Like a child who cries, "Watch me, Daddy. I may need to hold your hand."

I grew up with a father, who not only failed to watch me, but he was one of those people whom I had to watch. He was not safe, and I never felt protected nor cherished. So, my journey to find my Father began very early. Much of my time was spent alone and in deep thought, wondering why I was not anyone's treasure. I don't say this so that I may receive anyone's pity. I know that I am blessed. I have a happy life, but this was not always so. As a result, I sought out God, in the dark stretches of the night, when I was awake and afraid.

It has taken me a half a century to come to the complete realization that I was never alone; that I have a Father, and He never takes His eyes off of me. This understanding fills my heart with joy and sorrow. So many people do not try to know Him. So many people shove Him away, much as I was shoved away as a child.

So, in the dark watches of the night, as I lay awake and am no longer afraid, I still seek Him, and I wonder about the great joy that He has given to me in my life. He has given me the love and devotion of a wonderful husband. And He has filled my life with the beautiful joy of two faithful daughters, who live for Him and for my husband and me. Why? Why me? Why am I happy? Why has He made me the apple of His eye? I wish I could answer these questions, but I simply don't know.

Perhaps it is because I sought Him. When I was most alone, I reached out to the only One who can bring true happiness to anyone. But to be quite honest, I don't think that I am the one who was faithful. He is, and always was. I wanted Him, and God knew it. I needed Him, and I knew it. I still do.

That is why each night, when I am in the dark, either sleepy or too much awake, I walk through my heart, holding God's hand. That is the time I take to search my heart each day. It is a joyful time. It is a tearful time. Only now, the sorrow is gone, so that thanksgiving and joy can creep in.

"Search me, oh God, and know my heart," sings David. "Keep me as the apple of Your eye." Don't take Your eyes off of me, Daddy! I may need to hold Your hand!

With love and gratitude,

Jaye Lewis

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